— Building the home God freed you to have — Mark 7:21–23 (NLT) 21 For from within, out of a person’s heart, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, 22 adultery, greed, wickedness, deceit, lustful desires, envy, slander, pride, and foolishness. 23 All these vile things come from within; they are what defile you.” Colossians 2:23,3:10 (NLT) 23 These rules may seem wise because they require strong devotion, pious self-denial, and severe bodily discipline. But they provide no help in conquering a person’s evil desires. 3:10 Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him. 2 Timothy 3:1–5 (NLT) You should know this, Timothy, that in the last days there will be very difficult times. 2 For people will love only themselves and their money. They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents, and ungrateful. They will consider nothing sacred. 3 They will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good. 4 They will betray their friends, be reckless, be puffed up with pride, and love pleasure rather than God. 5 They will act religious, but they will reject the power that could make them godly. Stay away from people like that! Big Idea The gospel transforms our home by refocusing our attention from controlling behavior to concentrating on the heart. Mark 7:21–23 (NLT) 21 For from within, out of a person’s heart, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, 22 adultery, greed, wickedness, deceit, lustful desires, envy, slander, pride, and foolishness. 23 All these vile things come from within; they are what defile you.” So how do we address wrong behavior? attention from controlling behavior with rules… * Rules seem wise, but they aren’t because they provide no help in overcoming what’s in the heart. Colossians 2:23 (NLT) 23 These rules may seem wise because they require strong devotion, pious self-denial, and severe bodily discipline. But they provide no help in conquering a person’s evil desires. 2 Timothy 3:1–5 (NLT) You should know this, Timothy, that in the last days there will be very difficult times. 2 For people will love only themselves and their money. They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents, and ungrateful. They will consider nothing sacred. 3 They will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good. 4 They will betray their friends, be reckless, be puffed up with pride, and love pleasure rather than God. 5 They will act religious, but they will reject the power that could make them godly. Stay away from people like that! …to on the heart. * Since the source of all human actions is under the surface, on changing hearts matters more than controlling behavior. What’s happening under the surface, in our hearts? Ephesians 4:22 (NLT) 22 throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. What Now? Colossians 3:10 (NLT) Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him. Four great heart-level truths about God God is great – so we don’t have to be in control. God is glorious – so we don’t have to fear others God is good – so we don’t have to look elsewhere. God is gracious – so we don’t have to prove ourselves. Getting under the surface by Tim Chester — Let bad behaviors trigger an inspection of the heart. Inspect the motivation of your family member like a curious & compassionate counselor. “What did you want?” “What were you hoping to achieve?” “Why did you do it?” “What mattered most to you?” “What were you afraid of?” “Help me understand what you were thinking.” Listen carefully to understand what’s under the surface that’s driving your family member’s behavior. Why are they frustrated, miserable or angry? What do they want that they’re not getting? What is it they feel they are losing? What desires or fears might be driving their choices? Cut through the frustration of “she said, he said, she started it, he started it” with a focus on seeing what’s under the surface behavior. “I don’t care who started it. You both got angry because you wanted your own way.” Move away from “boundary discussions” to the center (the spirit of love). “How far can I go?” Vs “What’s the loving thing to do?” Notice that the child who sulks in their room is behaving as badly as the child who shouts at you. The sulking child may suit your agenda (for control or comfort), but they’re expressing their selfishness just as much as the shouting child. Lead your child/family to Jesus. We can change our behavior – at least a bit for a while But we need a Savior to change our hearts. Acknowledge what you’re asking is hard for your child. “We need God’s help. How about we pray?” Godly discipline highlights for a child their need of Christ. CONTINUING THE CONVERSATION 1. Do you have any personal experience with someone (yourself included) who demonstrated good behavior, but was “corrupted” with “evil desires” under the surface? 2. In your opinion or experience, why might it be easier to only correct the behavior of your family & children than to concentrate on their heart? 3. How might a child or family member behave when they don’t believe each of these heart-level truths? a. God is great – so we don’t have to be in control. b. God is glorious – so we don’t have to fear others. c. God is good – so we don’t have to look elsewhere. d. God is gracious – so we don’t have to prove ourselves. Grow On Your Own “Gospel-Centered Family | Becoming the parents God wants you to be” © Tim Chester and Ed Moll/The Good Book Company, 2010. Excerpts From Gospel-Centered Family, Tim Chester PARENTING ( TIM CHESTER ) Calm The focus of discipline is the child’s heart rather than your emotional state. More often than not, we get angry because we’re not getting the respect, quiet or control we want. That’s not a good place from which to exercise discipline. Clear Make your commands clear. ‘calm down’ is a useless command. A child needs to know what it looks like in practice. Tell a child clearly what you want. A good test is: will it be clear if they are disobeying your command? make your discipline clear. Ensure your child links your discipline with their wrong behavior. Explain why they’re being disciplined. With very young children that means discipline must be immediate. Consistent First, set consistent boundaries. Obviously boundaries change as children grow older, but don’t discipline today what you allowed yesterday. Inconsistent boundaries encourage children to challenge your authority. Second, always follow through with warnings. ‘You’ll go to your room if you do that again’ must lead to a child being sent to their room if they do. also means no empty threats like ‘You’ll never get your device back ever again’. Third, parents need a united front. Children often try to play off one parent against another. If one parent says ‘No’, they’ll ask the other. So get in the habit of saying things like: ‘Yes, as long as that’s okay with your mother.” “I’ll let you know, we haven’t talked about it yet.” Concentrated on the heart The most important thing about good discipline & growth is that it’s challenging or cultivating the heart.